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Marygrove parents banned from bringing snacks to team at half-time

by: Sparky McKay

Late Thursday afternoon, head coach Dave Sichterman announced in an impromptu press release, plans to ban soliciting parents trying to give the team snacks of any sort at half-time. The policy, Sitcherman explained, was not to kill a long-standing Marygrove tradition, but to help the team focus their effort and attention back to basketball. “Sometimes, I felt like I was talking to room of 5-year-olds who had eaten one too many Fruit Roll-Ups. This trend was disturbing our harmony as a team and my authority as coach.”

This ruling had been in the works a long time, manager William Davenport explained in an interview after the conference. “Even when I started two years ago, you could see signs of it already. For example, Dan Ochoa’s dad brought in orange slices to a half-time talk during a scrimmage and as soon as I saw that the team started putting the slices in their mouth and playfully smiling at each other, I saw the stress on coach Sichterman trying to control what amounted to a bunch of junior high kids who had just discovered girls.”

Truly, this swift overturning of what used to be a Marygrove favorite has been met with some opposition. Senior guard, Franklin Murdock, said he used the promise of snacks as an excuse to play harder, “I remember we were down by twenty or something, and I knew Dan’s dad was taking us out for ice cream after the game. So, win or lose the basketball game, I still got a banana split.”  Despite similar player complaints about the fact that they will no longer be getting Fruit-By-The-Foots, Sunny Delights, or celery sticks with the peanut butter and raisins, coach Sichterman stated that he is “resolved to find a solution to a catastrophe that could’ve been so easily avoided.”

The Marygrove Athletics department had some worrying commentary regarding the ruling and the recruitment of new athletes. “We used to hook potential athletes with this ‘snack incentive.’ It was a great program. Now, we’re going to have to use scholarships and other such promises to even get athletes interested in Marygrove.”

Effective two weeks from Thursday, the ban is slated to eliminate any kind of fruit, snack, or novelty dessert from the mouths of Marygrove athletes during game time. “It really is a shame,” commented Ochoa’s mother, “However, it is a relief of that I’ll be able to get rid of those six trays of Mustang cupcakes I have chilling in my freezer before the ban.”


One response to “Marygrove parents banned from bringing snacks to team at half-time

  1. John O'Donnell November 8, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    It’s startling the lengths coaches will go to in order to win a game.

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