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Monthly Archives: January 2011

Centenary Unveils Their Diabolic Plot

by Baker Cronin

On Wednesday, January 26th, Centenary coach Adam Walsh revealed to reporters from the Half court Press the reason behind his teams’ abysmal performance and record this year. Centenary is ranked dead last in Division I, and is one of the few winless teams in college basketball. According to the Gents, however, this is all part of their clever ploy.

“We knew going into this year that it would be our last year in Division I before we would be making the transition to Division III, so we decided to plan a monumental upset. While our basketball games have been called pitiful, lopsided, atrocious, pathetic, repulsive, and downright disrespectful to the game of basketball, you may be surprised to know we are not quite as bad as we have been letting on.” said Walsh with a sly smile.

They claim that their grand scheme includes attempting to sabotage Oakland’s Summit League dominance by resting their players in every single previous 22 games, which were all losses.

“Think about it,” says Walsh, “What better way to end our time in Division I than with a colossal upset? Our teams may appear to get blown out of the water and manhandled in every aspect of the game, but it is all according to plan.”

The Gents didn’t actually begin the season with this coup in mind, but after a 64 point loss to Memphis and repeated futility, the coaching staff decided to put a new spin on the season, emphasizing on just beating Oakland.

“Some may call a goal of one win under ambitious, but we believe it is incredibly ambitious for the Centenary basketball program.”

When asked why they didn’t spring their plan into action when Oakland visited Centenary earlier this season, the coaching staff exchanged confused looks with each other in silence for a full ten minutes before someone piped up that it would mean more as a road win spoiling homecoming. The rest of the coaching staff immediately agreed wholeheartedly on this point, claiming that was according to plan as well.

“Oakland is a very well-disciplined team, but come on. How is anyone supposed to take us seriously? If you have seen a game, or practice, or even a roster photo for that matter, you have to know we don’t resemble a competitive basketball team whatsoever. We are hoping to be overlooked in a big way.”

Overlooking may not be an issue for the undersized Centenary squad. When asked how they expected to pull off their devious plot when not only could Kito Benson beat their entire roster using only one of his limbs, but the HcP staff just shut the Gents out in a pick-up game 58-0, the Centenary coaching staff “declined comment” by ending the interview and going back into the corners of their offices to resume crying about their insignificant lives and drinking their problems away. All according to plan.

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Game 23: Centenary

Homecoming is here! Two teams with inverse conference records will meet in front of a packed Orena and the Half-court Press staff could not be happier. Hope you enjoy our homecoming issue!

HcP issue 5

For the record Ledrick Eackles is one of HcP’s favorite players and our picture combo should only make him seem even more bad-ass!

Game 22: Oral Roberts

Finally this game has arrived! Those of us here at the Hal-court Press have had this game marked on our calendars since the day the schedule came out!

HcP issue 4: Oral Roberts

Read. Enjoy. Go to the game.

Game 19: Western Illinois

Hey there friends! Check out  our most recent post!

Leathernecks’ bout to get stomped!

Half Court Press- Issue 3

IUPUI players look to former stud Hill for confidence boost

Kobe vs. George

Kobe vs. George

by Jericho Sanders

George Hill, the former IUPUI guard who was drafted in the first round of the 2008 NBA draft by the San Antonio Spurs, has had a major impact on the program since leaving after his junior season. While most of those benefits have occurred on the recruiting trail, Hill has had a more direct influence on current players as of late.

Seeking a bit of a confidence boost after a few early season losses, the Jaguars watched as George Hill had a verbal spat with Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers late last month. Seeing their beloved former teammate get in the grill of the NBA’s best player inspired the IUPUI players to be more vocal on the court.

From here on out, the team has a goal in each game to attempt to intimidate the best player on the opposing team by waving their fingers at them and saying, “Don’t make me pick your nose, son!” The team hopes that the naughty finger move, as they have dubbed it, will become a sort of team trademark in honor of Hill.

Oakland’s Keith Benson figures to be the target of the gesture when IUPUI visits the O’rena on Thursday night. The Half-court Press attempted to get a quote from the senior center, but he gave us a blank stare in response. Through the use of a facial expression interpreter, we learned that Benson was actually laughing inside as if to say, “They want to intimidate me…with a finger?”

The IUPUI players won’t back down, as senior Leroy Nobles noted. “It worked on Kobe. Enough said.”

Jaguars move up to seventh in palindrome basketball rankings

by Ivee West

The IUPUI Jaguars moved up in the palindrome university basketball rankings this week, narrowly beating out LTUTL, but coming four votes behind CUNUC for the sith spot.

The palindrome university basketball rankings are made up of schools who meet a strict criteria:

1.)  The school’s abbreviation must be a palindrome (the same backwards as it is forward)

2.)  The school must have at least 5 letters in their abbreviated name.

The rankings were created in 1923 by Arthur T. Chester to, in his words, “give these schools with stupid names a place where, for once in their pathetic lives, they can be number one at something.” A total of 37 schools make up the rankings, and IUPUI has made it as high as third on the list in the past.

“It’s something we strive for,” says coach Ron Hunter.  “We have been coveting that number one spot for a while now. Hopefully this can be the year we finally make it to the top.”

Adding teams to the rankings has not been without its fair share of controversy. In 1986 Racecar University (a liberal arts school named for John R. Acecar) attempted to get themselves added to the list, but failed because of criteria one.

“It is definitely a long term goal of ours to reach number one on these rankings,” Hunter continued. “I mean, we will never be ranked number one in anything meaningful, so I guess the palindrome list will work, although I must say, we are still trying to figure out what the hell a palindrome is.”