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Centenary Unveils Their Diabolic Plot

by Baker Cronin

On Wednesday, January 26th, Centenary coach Adam Walsh revealed to reporters from the Half court Press the reason behind his teams’ abysmal performance and record this year. Centenary is ranked dead last in Division I, and is one of the few winless teams in college basketball. According to the Gents, however, this is all part of their clever ploy.

“We knew going into this year that it would be our last year in Division I before we would be making the transition to Division III, so we decided to plan a monumental upset. While our basketball games have been called pitiful, lopsided, atrocious, pathetic, repulsive, and downright disrespectful to the game of basketball, you may be surprised to know we are not quite as bad as we have been letting on.” said Walsh with a sly smile.

They claim that their grand scheme includes attempting to sabotage Oakland’s Summit League dominance by resting their players in every single previous 22 games, which were all losses.

“Think about it,” says Walsh, “What better way to end our time in Division I than with a colossal upset? Our teams may appear to get blown out of the water and manhandled in every aspect of the game, but it is all according to plan.”

The Gents didn’t actually begin the season with this coup in mind, but after a 64 point loss to Memphis and repeated futility, the coaching staff decided to put a new spin on the season, emphasizing on just beating Oakland.

“Some may call a goal of one win under ambitious, but we believe it is incredibly ambitious for the Centenary basketball program.”

When asked why they didn’t spring their plan into action when Oakland visited Centenary earlier this season, the coaching staff exchanged confused looks with each other in silence for a full ten minutes before someone piped up that it would mean more as a road win spoiling homecoming. The rest of the coaching staff immediately agreed wholeheartedly on this point, claiming that was according to plan as well.

“Oakland is a very well-disciplined team, but come on. How is anyone supposed to take us seriously? If you have seen a game, or practice, or even a roster photo for that matter, you have to know we don’t resemble a competitive basketball team whatsoever. We are hoping to be overlooked in a big way.”

Overlooking may not be an issue for the undersized Centenary squad. When asked how they expected to pull off their devious plot when not only could Kito Benson beat their entire roster using only one of his limbs, but the HcP staff just shut the Gents out in a pick-up game 58-0, the Centenary coaching staff “declined comment” by ending the interview and going back into the corners of their offices to resume crying about their insignificant lives and drinking their problems away. All according to plan.

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