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Monthly Archives: March 2011

Texas threatens to secede with loss; entire nation supports

The Texas Secession Movement has received a swell in membership in recent days, with most of those members coming from citizens of the other 49 states.

Texas congresswomen Kay Bailey Hutchison thought her comment at a University of Texas pep rally would incite nothing but smirks and laughter from the overconfident Texas fan base, however the true measure of her comments can be seen in the tremendous outpouring of support for the Texas Secession Movement. The Congresswoman was quoted as saying “If my Longhorns lose to that Oakland team, then Texas should secede from the union. Period.  We have (literally) twelve times the athletic budget as them.”

Though Oakland fans may construe this as a knock against the program, it really only shows how few people outside of Texas, actually like Texas.

Immediately after these comments were made, an outpouring of support was seen on Twitter and Facebook, of fans offering support for the Golden Grizzlies.  The facebook group “This is our chance to be redneck free: 1 million fans in support of an Oakland win and Texas-free America” garnered 1.3 million likes in a matter of hours.

Upon hearing the news of the possible Secession attempt, President Obama sought the wisdom of his advisors. A source close to the president paraphrased Obama’s remarks:

“So I guess we should thwart this sort of thing, right? I mean…unless you guys don’t want to. In which case I am totally cool focusing on the budget and education reform. Just let me know, because I am totally cool just letting them go, I mean, if you guys are.”

Hours after this reported conversation, an anonymous cash donation of $445 million dollars came into Oakland University’s athletic department. The HcP staff was able to obtain the attached note, which read: “NPR Funding Yours to use. Win this game, so Texas will finally leave.”

The same, unnamed source close to the president gave word earlier today that President Obama was also drafting an Executive Order to mandate that LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, and Derrick Rose be given automatic eligibility to play for Oakland for the next game. His staffers then informed him that these players were seen as poor choices, seeing as NBA players do not actually like basketball before April. The President has since scrapped the Executive Order, but remains open to ideas.

The only Golden Grizzly the HcP staff was able to track down was star center Kito Benson. Our staff facial expression translator (who will be out of a job soon, now that Kito will be leaving OU) translated Kito’s stare:

“Having 280 million people rely on you to pull this one out adds a lot of pressure.  I believe we can win; we just need to play our game. Hopefully regardless of the outcome, Texas will get the hint and finally leave us alone.”

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