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Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Tennessee Issue!

In honor of a very special game tonight, we are pleased to debut a special edition issue of the Half Court Press. Our Tennessee issue is a double-sided behemoth that packs a punch like no other issue before it. You can get it in PDF form by clicking the link below. Of course, hard copies will be waiting for you in the student section in advance of tonight’s game.

PDF: Oakland vs. Tennessee Issue

Don’t forget to wear black tonight and cheer loudly. The game will be broadcasted live on ESPNU, so this is our chance to show the NATION what the Grizz Gang is all about!


HCP legitimatized by OU Facebook status; hipster HCP fans revolt

Story by Sparky McKay

In the recent wake of a social media boom on the Facebook page of The Half Court Press (HCP) after a bold mention on the Oakland University Facebook page, dissension has arisen among the ranks of some of HCP’s more long-time fans. Complaints ranging from “selling out to the greedy, corporate man” to “having an actual name” have pushed away some of the first adopters of the HCP’s philosophy that you can even write satire about college basketball, away from the growing fan base of the newspaper.

Danny Malendowski, a recent OU graduate, spoke about his early adoption of the paper and their mission, “In the beginning, I mean, they published some great stuff…and they still do! They had great headlines and some great look-a-like comparisons; the one about comparing that player to Ellen DeGeneres was the best. Unfortunately, I have a strict policy that I ‘unlike’ anything on my Facebook profile that has more than 200 likes. I mean c’mon, liking something that mainstream would be like…I don’t know…liking Nickelback.”

Unfortunately, Malendowski’s comments are not isolated. Another hipster HCP fan, Alex Schwagle, a 2011 OU graduate, poignantly noted while sipping his latte’ that “…despite HCP’s mainstream success, by which I can longer abide, I’ll have to cut them loose. Why should I follow a newspaper that doesn’t even have a Twitter that I can follow on my iPhone?”

In light of this recent upheaval in fan support, our official statement stands on this non-issue, “For whoever doesn’t believe in us, just know this: We started as six guys in a room (and one on a webcam) who all loved OU basketball and wanted to support it in the best way possible, with a little sense of humor. We never strayed from that dream; our dream just got bigger.”

Coach Kampe was apparently equally shocked by this new development, giving us no quotes, only this look of pure shock:

It’s the happiest time of the year!

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are pleased to announce that Oakland University Men’s Basketball kicks off tomorrow! And like peanut butter and jelly, you can’t have that without the Half Court Press launching its inaugural issue for the year too!

Enjoy!  HCP-Volume  2: Issue 1

And if the excerpt of the interview with Collin Hewitt isn’t enough for you, below is the complete interview!

Last year, we here at the Half Court Press frequently featured brief quotes from opposing players and coaches. Over the off season, several lawsuits for defamation, slander, and libel were brought against us when some of the quoted parties alleged that they “never said” any of those things that we printed. Apparently some people’s memories are as poor as their ball handling skills and sense of humor. Due to several brilliant legal maneuvers and a few well placed bribes, the HCP was able to weather the storm and resurface again this year to bring the Oakland University population another year of witty, insightful, and usually outrageously false basketball write ups.

In order to put our best foot forward to kick off the year, Baker Cronin of the HCP scored an ACTUAL interview with Collin Hewitt of Spring Arbor University. Folks, this is a treat that you may never see the likes of again. Collin was gracious enough to answer a few questions for us, and we hope you enjoy!

HCP: First of all, Collin, thank you so much for you time. We appreciate you giving us this opportunity.

HCP: Umm, well this is kind of new to us. Usually we can just make up hilarious responses, but this whole question and answer thing is feeling a bit out of our usual control, so we wrote down a few questions to ask to help us out. Let’s see…number one. Uh, Hi! How are you today?

Collin: [laughs] Uh, I am very good today.

HCP: What would you say are some of the strengths of SAU’s basketball team?

Collin: We have really good community on the team. We all get along well and play solid, fundamental basketball. Guard play is a strength for us, as we are a smaller team. We have really good point guard who is a really quick little guy. We also have two good shooting guards and a strong JR forward.

HCP: Any insight you would like to share with us about what we can expect from the game today?

Collin: I think that it is going to be a well played game. Obviously, we will be a smaller team and at a disadvantage talent wise, but we are a solid team. We haven’t played too many scrimmages, so it is a little unknown, but I think it should be a mistake free game. But when it comes down to it, it’s not about the X’s and O’s; it’s about the Jimmy’s and Joe’s.

HCP: I notice that your roster lacks any Jimmy’s and Joe’s and we have a Joey Asbury on our team. Does that give us an advantage?

Collin: Slightly, but not much without a Jimmy as well to complement him.

HCP: Your mascot is a cougar. Realistically, how do you think a fight would pan out between a Grizzly and a Cougar?

Collin: It might be a similar reflection of our teams. The cougar is at a size disadvantage so it could definitely last for a little while, but once in close quarters, it would be in trouble. Not sure a cougar could kill a bear, but it could survive a fight.

HCP: Do your women’s teams ever get offended by being called Cougars?

Collin: [laughs] I don’t know, maybe.

HCP: We are going to give you liberty to say any four words to our readers. Anything at all. Free response. Go.

Collin: Uh. Baker, I can’t just do that. This makes me nervous when I hear you typing whenever I talk.

HCP: If we print a line or two about your dashing good looks, would you give us a nice positive quote about the HCP to close this article out with?

[Throws his head ruggedly handsome square chin back into a full laugh that flashes his white teeth] The Half Court Press has been extremely professional and hospitable to the Spring Arbor Basketball team with many gracious… [tails off]. Man, I am the worst at coming stuff on the spot. You can just kinda twist this if you want so it sounds good for you guys.

HCP: Dangerous words to say. [Editor’s Note: we actually did not misquote anything this time. Turning over a new leaf this year?]

Collin: You are the man, Baker. I have got to say I love hanging out with Baker.

HCP: You, sir, just earned yourself another line about your charming features. Best of luck in the game. Hope to see you get some playing time!