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Monthly Archives: December 2011

Hipster Michigan fans dub themselves Urban Outfitter Wolverines

By: Ivee West

Fed up with being categorized as generic “Wal-Mart Wolverines,” a small contingent of Michigan fans have asked to be re-classified as “Urban Outfitter Wolverines.” Generally, the term Wal-Mart Wolverine is applied to anyone who is an over-the-top fan of Michigan (this is defined by experts as someone with 15% of total possessions having some sort of Michigan emblem on it) who has never had an affiliation with the university in any way (besides their fandom). Experts on the subject place the percentage of Wal-Mart Wolverines out of the total Michigan fanbase as being  somewhere between 74.5 and 86.5 percent.

This is something Anthony Cordina would like to change. “We don’t want to be in the same sentence as Wal-Mart, they are part of the corporate establishment, part of the 99%.”

Like many Wal-er, Urban Outfitter Wolverines, Cordina has been a Michigan fan as long as he can remeber, mainly since “that is the team everyone roots for.” We asked him why this doesn’t fly in the face of his hipster persona, and his answer only mentioned the fact that one of his Uncles took some courses at UM-Dearborn, and that his family has a long history with the University as a result.

“We want to practice our Michigan fandom, but want to be associated with a company more befitting of our personal style and image. Though Urban Outfitters doesn’t carry clothing with the Block ‘M,’ they better reflect our tendencies such as discussing the pre-seclusion work of Bon Iver (a band called DeYarmond Edison, but you’ve probably never heard of them) and determining which corporation we are going to boycott next.”


Big Ten renames divisions to reflect values; Will realign divisions for all sports

By: Ivee West

Word came out of the Big Ten headquarters in Park Ride, Illinois late last night that the Big Ten will be reformatting the way in which its conference is set-up. There will remain two divisions, but they will be renamed and will make up different teams than they currently hold.

Commissioner Jim Delany stated that this move “more accurately reflects those values which we, as a conference, hold dear. In fact, I would go as far as to say that they reflect the values of all top level conferences at the moment.”

Though details are currently scarce regarding the timeline for implementation, the HcP learned that the new divisions will go from their current titles of “Legends” and “Leaders,” and will be dubbed “Dollars” and “Cents” for all sports.

“For the last few years every conference has been trumpeting things like ‘academic fit’ and ‘best interests of student athletes and tradition’ as if they mattered to anyone. Since the Big Ten helped in getting this ball rolling (by inviting Nebraska to the Big Ten) we want to be ahead of the curve in acknowledging the conference’s interests for what they are.”

In addition to changing their division naming conventions, the Big Ten also announced that it would be changing the way members are placed in the divisions. The top six football teams will be placed in the “Dollars” division, with the plebeians of the Big Ten football programs (oxy-moron?) playing in the “Cents” division. In addition to this, the conference championship in all sports will now simply consist of the top two teams from the Dollar division playing one another (since let’s face it, power conferences could care less about equity or sports other than football).

Technically there is a European soccer-like system where a team is relegated to the Cents division and promoted to the Dollars division by virtue of record. That said, the HcP has learned that there is a clause in the contract which allows a team to “buy its way out” of relegation through a one-time payment to the conference.

“We were just tired of lying to ourselves,” Mr. Delany said after the announcement was made. “This is the first time that conference officials are being honest with their constituencies, and it feels pretty good.”

Summit League Game 2: UMKC

The Half-court Press is at it again with our latest issue! Complete with graphs!

This evening’s victim: the Kangaroos of UMKC.

Check out our latest issue: UMKC Half-court Press

Go Grizzlies!


South Dakota

Oakland University, The Summit League, and the Half Court Press all would like to extend a warm welcome to South Dakota for their inaugural humiliation tonight! Let’s Go OU!

HCP Volume 2: Issue 3 South Dakota

Be sure to come, cheer loudly, and read the HCP!