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Monthly Archives: January 2012
It is here friends: the homecoming game. The Grizzlies got a huge win on Thursday over South Dakota State, and they will surely hope to follow up that win with a win over the other Dakota this evening.
Bring your friends and join us in the O’rena tonight at 6pm!
Oh, and check out our excellent new issue: Game 24- North Dakota State.
Read and enjoy. It’s filled with backboards and Lord of the Rings references!
Well friends, our Golden Grizzllies are back to playing the way we expect them to, and are also arriving back at home to show us!
Let’s welcome them home with a full house and highly uninviting environment for the visiting South Dakota State Bunnies!
Enjoy the incredible article by Mr. Sparky McKay!
Let’s make like Elmer Fudd and hunt some Wabbits!
This is it friends! Your chance to show that you are better than the Half-court Press staff at coming up with witty and chuckle-provoking headlines and articles!
You may be thinking to yourself ‘but Ivee, I know that I am smarter than you all. How can I tangibly prove this intellectual superiority in way which is evident to all my friends?
This is a valid concern! Just submit your article headline for the North Dakota State game to the email@example.com. You can either write the full article or just the headline. Remember, anything about Oakland, North Dakota State, their players, our players, Bison, Grizzlies, Grizzlies eating Bison, or any other combination related to Oakland basketball/making fun of North Dakota State basketball is fair game.
If you feel super email-impaired, just post to our wall or comment on a status with your entry. We’re flexible here folks!
Later on we will post the best ones to our facebook page, with voting, ballot counts, hanging chads, etc.
The one who wins in the voting will be published in the homecoming edition of the Half-court Press! If that isn’t a carrot, I don’t know what is.
So remember, submit your entries as soon as possible to the firstname.lastname@example.org and let the humor fly!”
By: Ivee West
After attempting to pick up women by telling them that he is so cool that he does simply walk into Mordor, IUPUI freshmen forward Marcellus Barkdale may have developed the most idiotic pickup method to date.
“I’m always read that you have to look inward to find what women truly want. In essence, that is all that I did,” replied Barksdale, when the HcP interviewed him on the subject.
Basically IUPUI forward Marcellus Barksdale attempts to pick up women by convincing them he is descended from Roman Emperors.
“I did a self-assessment and realized that my convoluted first name could reasonably be confused with that of a Roman Aedile or Tribune. So, after listening to 20 episodes of The History of Rome podcast to figure out my backstory, I began telling woman that I was named for the Roman emperor Marcellus. For a while I told them I was related to Marcus Claudius Marcellus, who served as consul during the Second Punic War, but being related to an emperor sounds significantly more bad ass.”
The HcP staff was impressed by the depth of his background research, but was unsurprised to find that he has found little success with his new strategy thus far. We then asked him why he doesn’t do what a few thousand other young men do and simply tell a prospective date that he is a Division I basketball player.
“I’ve tried that. Here at IUPUI things are different. If you aren’t [star forward] Alex Young you’re nobody. Plus, outside of Indy, no one knows who we are. That strategy just doesn’t work in my experience.”
Western Illinois coach Jim Molinari leads single-handed effort to bring college basketball back to the 1950’s
by Ivee West
Coach Molinari’s valiant effort against the tide of time, though endearing in its quaintness, will ultimately run into a buzz saw this Thursday at the O’rena when his Western Illinois Leathernecks play the perennially athletic Golden Grizzlies from Oakland. Currently boasting the 13th slowest pace in Division I, Coach Molinari’s style of basketball has harkened back to a simpler time in America, when shorts were of the booty variety (for men) and basketball wasn’t much a possibility (for women). Though it hasn’t brought a great deal of wins, the Necks have been marginally more successful than in prior years with their take-as-long-as-you-can-to-shoot-since-we-won’t-make-many strategy.
“The strategy is predicated on making the game absolutely as boring as possible so as to lull the other team into a false sense of security. Many times the neanderthal athletes on the other team forget they are even playing basketball. This is when we have them. If we were Zelda, this would be our Goron Lullabye.”
Molinari even went as far as to have peach baskets installed in the practice gym to create a sense of antiquity.
Molinari also pays a local mechanic to heckle their players during games in a 1950’s style, complete with racial slurs. The Team Heckler dresses up in a suit and fedora and smokes a cigar while telling Molinari he’s “No Red Auerbach and that Nat Clifton (a forward from the 1950’s) would wipe the floor with David Gebru.”
Sadly this program had to discontinue after Molinari realized that the Heckler took up 3.4% of Western’s basketball budget and 15% of their total fan base.
“Though the Team Heckler thing was unsustainable, we still are committed to playing the most repulsive basketball ever. That is the Western Illinois way.”