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IUPUI freshman invents the worst method of picking up women
By: Ivee West
After attempting to pick up women by telling them that he is so cool that he does simply walk into Mordor, IUPUI freshmen forward Marcellus Barkdale may have developed the most idiotic pickup method to date.
“I’m always read that you have to look inward to find what women truly want. In essence, that is all that I did,” replied Barksdale, when the HcP interviewed him on the subject.
Basically IUPUI forward Marcellus Barksdale attempts to pick up women by convincing them he is descended from Roman Emperors.
“I did a self-assessment and realized that my convoluted first name could reasonably be confused with that of a Roman Aedile or Tribune. So, after listening to 20 episodes of The History of Rome podcast to figure out my backstory, I began telling woman that I was named for the Roman emperor Marcellus. For a while I told them I was related to Marcus Claudius Marcellus, who served as consul during the Second Punic War, but being related to an emperor sounds significantly more bad ass.”
The HcP staff was impressed by the depth of his background research, but was unsurprised to find that he has found little success with his new strategy thus far. We then asked him why he doesn’t do what a few thousand other young men do and simply tell a prospective date that he is a Division I basketball player.
“I’ve tried that. Here at IUPUI things are different. If you aren’t [star forward] Alex Young you’re nobody. Plus, outside of Indy, no one knows who we are. That strategy just doesn’t work in my experience.”