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Game 28: Southern Utah

It is here friends. The last home game of the season for Our Grizzlies!

Let’s send them out with a win. Remember, we are the sixth man!

Oh, hey and here is our final Half court Press of the 2011-2012 season (!)

Thanks for reading and Go Grizzlies!

 

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Game 24: Homecoming against North Dakota State

It is here friends: the homecoming game. The Grizzlies got a huge win on Thursday over South Dakota State, and they will surely hope to follow up that win with a win over the other Dakota this evening.

Bring your friends and join us in the O’rena tonight at 6pm!

Oh, and check out our excellent new issue: Game 24- North Dakota State.

Read and enjoy. It’s filled with backboards and Lord of the Rings references!

 

Game 23: South Dakota State

Well friends, our Golden Grizzllies are back to playing the way we expect them to, and are also arriving back at home to show us!

Let’s welcome them home with a full house and highly uninviting environment for the visiting South Dakota State Bunnies!

Enjoy the incredible article by Mr. Sparky McKay!

Game 23- South Dakota State

Let’s make like Elmer Fudd and hunt some Wabbits!

Half-court Press Headline/Article Writing Contest

This is it friends! Your chance to show that you are better than the Half-court Press staff at coming up with witty and chuckle-provoking headlines and articles!

You may be thinking to yourself ‘but Ivee, I know that I am smarter than you all. How can I tangibly prove this intellectual superiority in way which is evident to all my friends?

This is a valid concern! Just submit your article headline for the North Dakota State game to the ouhalfcourtpress@yahoo.com. You can either write the full article or just the headline. Remember, anything about Oakland, North Dakota State, their players, our players, Bison, Grizzlies, Grizzlies eating Bison, or any other combination related to Oakland basketball/making fun of North Dakota State basketball is fair game.

If you feel super email-impaired, just post to our wall or comment on a status with your entry. We’re flexible here folks!

Later on we will post the best ones to our facebook page, with voting, ballot counts, hanging chads, etc.

The one who wins in the voting will be published in the homecoming edition of the Half-court Press! If that isn’t a carrot, I don’t know what is.

So remember, submit your entries as soon as possible to the ouhalfcourtpress@yahoo.com and let the humor fly!”

Remember: Words. Smiles. Basketball Fans.

IUPUI freshman invents the worst method of picking up women

By: Ivee West

After attempting to pick up women by telling them that he is so cool that he does simply walk into Mordor, IUPUI freshmen forward Marcellus Barkdale may have developed the most idiotic pickup method to date.

“I’m always read that you have to look inward to find what women truly want. In essence, that is all that I did,” replied Barksdale, when the HcP interviewed him on the subject.

Basically IUPUI forward Marcellus Barksdale attempts to pick up women by convincing them he is descended from Roman Emperors.

“I did a self-assessment and realized that my convoluted first name could reasonably be confused with that of a Roman Aedile or Tribune.  So, after listening to 20 episodes of The History of Rome podcast to figure out my backstory, I began telling woman that I was named for the Roman emperor Marcellus. For a while I told them I was related to Marcus Claudius Marcellus, who served as consul during the Second Punic War, but being related to an emperor sounds significantly more bad ass.”

The HcP staff was impressed by the depth of his background research, but was unsurprised to find that he has found little success with his new strategy thus far. We then asked him why he doesn’t do what a few thousand other young men do and simply tell a prospective date that he is a Division I basketball player.

“I’ve tried that. Here at IUPUI things are different. If you aren’t [star forward] Alex Young you’re nobody. Plus, outside of Indy, no one knows who we are. That strategy just doesn’t work in my experience.”

Western Illinois coach Jim Molinari leads single-handed effort to bring college basketball back to the 1950’s

by Ivee West

Coach Molinari’s valiant effort against the tide of time, though endearing in its quaintness, will ultimately run into a buzz saw this Thursday at the O’rena when his Western Illinois Leathernecks play the perennially athletic Golden Grizzlies from Oakland.  Currently boasting the 13th slowest pace in Division I, Coach Molinari’s style of basketball has harkened back to a simpler time in America, when shorts were of the booty variety (for men) and basketball wasn’t much a possibility (for women).  Though it hasn’t brought a great deal of wins, the Necks have been marginally more successful than in prior years with their take-as-long-as-you-can-to-shoot-since-we-won’t-make-many strategy.

“The strategy is predicated on making the game absolutely as boring as possible so as to lull the other team into a false sense of security. Many times the neanderthal athletes on the other team forget they are even playing basketball. This is when we have them. If we were Zelda, this would be our Goron Lullabye.”

Molinari even went as far as to have peach baskets installed in the practice gym to create a sense of antiquity.

“They wouldn’t let me put them in Western Hall due to NCAA regulations, but this works well enough. I want to remind players that interesting basketball is strongly discouraged.”

Molinari also pays a local mechanic to heckle their players during games in a 1950’s style, complete with racial slurs. The Team Heckler dresses up in a suit and fedora and smokes a cigar while telling Molinari he’s “No Red Auerbach and that Nat Clifton (a forward from the 1950’s) would wipe the floor with David Gebru.”

Sadly this program had to discontinue after Molinari realized that the Heckler took up 3.4% of Western’s basketball budget and 15% of their total fan base.

“Though the Team Heckler thing was unsustainable, we still are committed to playing the most repulsive basketball ever. That is the Western Illinois way.”

 

Oral Roberts

As a New Year’s resolution, we here at the HCP have decided to try and use less sarcasm…

 

…like most resolutions, we have already discarded that! Here’s the latest on Oral Roberts, folks!

Oral Roberts

Hipster Michigan fans dub themselves Urban Outfitter Wolverines

By: Ivee West

Fed up with being categorized as generic “Wal-Mart Wolverines,” a small contingent of Michigan fans have asked to be re-classified as “Urban Outfitter Wolverines.” Generally, the term Wal-Mart Wolverine is applied to anyone who is an over-the-top fan of Michigan (this is defined by experts as someone with 15% of total possessions having some sort of Michigan emblem on it) who has never had an affiliation with the university in any way (besides their fandom). Experts on the subject place the percentage of Wal-Mart Wolverines out of the total Michigan fanbase as being  somewhere between 74.5 and 86.5 percent.

This is something Anthony Cordina would like to change. “We don’t want to be in the same sentence as Wal-Mart, they are part of the corporate establishment, part of the 99%.”

Like many Wal-er, Urban Outfitter Wolverines, Cordina has been a Michigan fan as long as he can remeber, mainly since “that is the team everyone roots for.” We asked him why this doesn’t fly in the face of his hipster persona, and his answer only mentioned the fact that one of his Uncles took some courses at UM-Dearborn, and that his family has a long history with the University as a result.

“We want to practice our Michigan fandom, but want to be associated with a company more befitting of our personal style and image. Though Urban Outfitters doesn’t carry clothing with the Block ‘M,’ they better reflect our tendencies such as discussing the pre-seclusion work of Bon Iver (a band called DeYarmond Edison, but you’ve probably never heard of them) and determining which corporation we are going to boycott next.”


Big Ten renames divisions to reflect values; Will realign divisions for all sports

By: Ivee West

Word came out of the Big Ten headquarters in Park Ride, Illinois late last night that the Big Ten will be reformatting the way in which its conference is set-up. There will remain two divisions, but they will be renamed and will make up different teams than they currently hold.

Commissioner Jim Delany stated that this move “more accurately reflects those values which we, as a conference, hold dear. In fact, I would go as far as to say that they reflect the values of all top level conferences at the moment.”

Though details are currently scarce regarding the timeline for implementation, the HcP learned that the new divisions will go from their current titles of “Legends” and “Leaders,” and will be dubbed “Dollars” and “Cents” for all sports.

“For the last few years every conference has been trumpeting things like ‘academic fit’ and ‘best interests of student athletes and tradition’ as if they mattered to anyone. Since the Big Ten helped in getting this ball rolling (by inviting Nebraska to the Big Ten) we want to be ahead of the curve in acknowledging the conference’s interests for what they are.”

In addition to changing their division naming conventions, the Big Ten also announced that it would be changing the way members are placed in the divisions. The top six football teams will be placed in the “Dollars” division, with the plebeians of the Big Ten football programs (oxy-moron?) playing in the “Cents” division. In addition to this, the conference championship in all sports will now simply consist of the top two teams from the Dollar division playing one another (since let’s face it, power conferences could care less about equity or sports other than football).

Technically there is a European soccer-like system where a team is relegated to the Cents division and promoted to the Dollars division by virtue of record. That said, the HcP has learned that there is a clause in the contract which allows a team to “buy its way out” of relegation through a one-time payment to the conference.

“We were just tired of lying to ourselves,” Mr. Delany said after the announcement was made. “This is the first time that conference officials are being honest with their constituencies, and it feels pretty good.”

Summit League Game 2: UMKC

The Half-court Press is at it again with our latest issue! Complete with graphs!

This evening’s victim: the Kangaroos of UMKC.

Check out our latest issue: UMKC Half-court Press

Go Grizzlies!