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Oakland University, The Summit League, and the Half Court Press all would like to extend a warm welcome to South Dakota for their inaugural humiliation tonight! Let’s Go OU!
HCP Volume 2: Issue 3 South Dakota
Be sure to come, cheer loudly, and read the HCP!
In honor of a very special game tonight, we are pleased to debut a special edition issue of the Half Court Press. Our Tennessee issue is a double-sided behemoth that packs a punch like no other issue before it. You can get it in PDF form by clicking the link below. Of course, hard copies will be waiting for you in the student section in advance of tonight’s game.
Don’t forget to wear black tonight and cheer loudly. The game will be broadcasted live on ESPNU, so this is our chance to show the NATION what the Grizz Gang is all about!
Story by Sparky McKay
In the recent wake of a social media boom on the Facebook page of The Half Court Press (HCP) after a bold mention on the Oakland University Facebook page, dissension has arisen among the ranks of some of HCP’s more long-time fans. Complaints ranging from “selling out to the greedy, corporate man” to “having an actual name” have pushed away some of the first adopters of the HCP’s philosophy that you can even write satire about college basketball, away from the growing fan base of the newspaper.
Danny Malendowski, a recent OU graduate, spoke about his early adoption of the paper and their mission, “In the beginning, I mean, they published some great stuff…and they still do! They had great headlines and some great look-a-like comparisons; the one about comparing that player to Ellen DeGeneres was the best. Unfortunately, I have a strict policy that I ‘unlike’ anything on my Facebook profile that has more than 200 likes. I mean c’mon, liking something that mainstream would be like…I don’t know…liking Nickelback.”
Unfortunately, Malendowski’s comments are not isolated. Another hipster HCP fan, Alex Schwagle, a 2011 OU graduate, poignantly noted while sipping his latte’ that “…despite HCP’s mainstream success, by which I can longer abide, I’ll have to cut them loose. Why should I follow a newspaper that doesn’t even have a Twitter that I can follow on my iPhone?”
In light of this recent upheaval in fan support, our official statement stands on this non-issue, “For whoever doesn’t believe in us, just know this: We started as six guys in a room (and one on a webcam) who all loved OU basketball and wanted to support it in the best way possible, with a little sense of humor. We never strayed from that dream; our dream just got bigger.”
Coach Kampe was apparently equally shocked by this new development, giving us no quotes, only this look of pure shock:
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are pleased to announce that Oakland University Men’s Basketball kicks off tomorrow! And like peanut butter and jelly, you can’t have that without the Half Court Press launching its inaugural issue for the year too!
Enjoy! HCP-Volume 2: Issue 1
And if the excerpt of the interview with Collin Hewitt isn’t enough for you, below is the complete interview!
Last year, we here at the Half Court Press frequently featured brief quotes from opposing players and coaches. Over the off season, several lawsuits for defamation, slander, and libel were brought against us when some of the quoted parties alleged that they “never said” any of those things that we printed. Apparently some people’s memories are as poor as their ball handling skills and sense of humor. Due to several brilliant legal maneuvers and a few well placed bribes, the HCP was able to weather the storm and resurface again this year to bring the Oakland University population another year of witty, insightful, and usually outrageously false basketball write ups.
In order to put our best foot forward to kick off the year, Baker Cronin of the HCP scored an ACTUAL interview with Collin Hewitt of Spring Arbor University. Folks, this is a treat that you may never see the likes of again. Collin was gracious enough to answer a few questions for us, and we hope you enjoy!
HCP: First of all, Collin, thank you so much for you time. We appreciate you giving us this opportunity.
HCP: Umm, well this is kind of new to us. Usually we can just make up hilarious responses, but this whole question and answer thing is feeling a bit out of our usual control, so we wrote down a few questions to ask to help us out. Let’s see…number one. Uh, Hi! How are you today?
Collin: [laughs] Uh, I am very good today.
HCP: What would you say are some of the strengths of SAU’s basketball team?
Collin: We have really good community on the team. We all get along well and play solid, fundamental basketball. Guard play is a strength for us, as we are a smaller team. We have really good point guard who is a really quick little guy. We also have two good shooting guards and a strong JR forward.
HCP: Any insight you would like to share with us about what we can expect from the game today?
Collin: I think that it is going to be a well played game. Obviously, we will be a smaller team and at a disadvantage talent wise, but we are a solid team. We haven’t played too many scrimmages, so it is a little unknown, but I think it should be a mistake free game. But when it comes down to it, it’s not about the X’s and O’s; it’s about the Jimmy’s and Joe’s.
HCP: I notice that your roster lacks any Jimmy’s and Joe’s and we have a Joey Asbury on our team. Does that give us an advantage?
Collin: Slightly, but not much without a Jimmy as well to complement him.
HCP: Your mascot is a cougar. Realistically, how do you think a fight would pan out between a Grizzly and a Cougar?
Collin: It might be a similar reflection of our teams. The cougar is at a size disadvantage so it could definitely last for a little while, but once in close quarters, it would be in trouble. Not sure a cougar could kill a bear, but it could survive a fight.
HCP: Do your women’s teams ever get offended by being called Cougars?
Collin: [laughs] I don’t know, maybe.
HCP: We are going to give you liberty to say any four words to our readers. Anything at all. Free response. Go.
Collin: Uh. Baker, I can’t just do that. This makes me nervous when I hear you typing whenever I talk.
HCP: If we print a line or two about your dashing good looks, would you give us a nice positive quote about the HCP to close this article out with?
[Throws his head ruggedly handsome square chin back into a full laugh that flashes his white teeth] The Half Court Press has been extremely professional and hospitable to the Spring Arbor Basketball team with many gracious… [tails off]. Man, I am the worst at coming stuff on the spot. You can just kinda twist this if you want so it sounds good for you guys.
HCP: Dangerous words to say. [Editor’s Note: we actually did not misquote anything this time. Turning over a new leaf this year?]
Collin: You are the man, Baker. I have got to say I love hanging out with Baker.
HCP: You, sir, just earned yourself another line about your charming features. Best of luck in the game. Hope to see you get some playing time!
The Texas Secession Movement has received a swell in membership in recent days, with most of those members coming from citizens of the other 49 states.
Texas congresswomen Kay Bailey Hutchison thought her comment at a University of Texas pep rally would incite nothing but smirks and laughter from the overconfident Texas fan base, however the true measure of her comments can be seen in the tremendous outpouring of support for the Texas Secession Movement. The Congresswoman was quoted as saying “If my Longhorns lose to that Oakland team, then Texas should secede from the union. Period. We have (literally) twelve times the athletic budget as them.”
Though Oakland fans may construe this as a knock against the program, it really only shows how few people outside of Texas, actually like Texas.
Immediately after these comments were made, an outpouring of support was seen on Twitter and Facebook, of fans offering support for the Golden Grizzlies. The facebook group “This is our chance to be redneck free: 1 million fans in support of an Oakland win and Texas-free America” garnered 1.3 million likes in a matter of hours.
Upon hearing the news of the possible Secession attempt, President Obama sought the wisdom of his advisors. A source close to the president paraphrased Obama’s remarks:
“So I guess we should thwart this sort of thing, right? I mean…unless you guys don’t want to. In which case I am totally cool focusing on the budget and education reform. Just let me know, because I am totally cool just letting them go, I mean, if you guys are.”
Hours after this reported conversation, an anonymous cash donation of $445 million dollars came into Oakland University’s athletic department. The HcP staff was able to obtain the attached note, which read: “NPR Funding Yours to use. Win this game, so Texas will finally leave.”
The same, unnamed source close to the president gave word earlier today that President Obama was also drafting an Executive Order to mandate that LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, and Derrick Rose be given automatic eligibility to play for Oakland for the next game. His staffers then informed him that these players were seen as poor choices, seeing as NBA players do not actually like basketball before April. The President has since scrapped the Executive Order, but remains open to ideas.
The only Golden Grizzly the HcP staff was able to track down was star center Kito Benson. Our staff facial expression translator (who will be out of a job soon, now that Kito will be leaving OU) translated Kito’s stare:
“Having 280 million people rely on you to pull this one out adds a lot of pressure. I believe we can win; we just need to play our game. Hopefully regardless of the outcome, Texas will get the hint and finally leave us alone.”
We have a Dakota-rific weekend of college hoops here in Rochester and those of us here at the HcP are ready!
We even have a NEW ISSUE (!) to prove it.
We look forward to seeing all of you Grizzly fans at the Orena tomorrow!
Hello again friends!
Here it is, HcP Issue 6 (!)
The year has flown by and already we are at the last home game while students are in session (sadly the Dakotas come to Rochester while students will be on break).
Should be a throw down in Ro-town! Although the game is on FSN Detroit, we know that all of you Grizzly fans will be making the trek to the Orena on Saturday!
IPFW will need their helmets for the beat down that will certainly ensue.
by Baker Cronin
On Wednesday, January 26th, Centenary coach Adam Walsh revealed to reporters from the Half court Press the reason behind his teams’ abysmal performance and record this year. Centenary is ranked dead last in Division I, and is one of the few winless teams in college basketball. According to the Gents, however, this is all part of their clever ploy.
“We knew going into this year that it would be our last year in Division I before we would be making the transition to Division III, so we decided to plan a monumental upset. While our basketball games have been called pitiful, lopsided, atrocious, pathetic, repulsive, and downright disrespectful to the game of basketball, you may be surprised to know we are not quite as bad as we have been letting on.” said Walsh with a sly smile.
They claim that their grand scheme includes attempting to sabotage Oakland’s Summit League dominance by resting their players in every single previous 22 games, which were all losses.
“Think about it,” says Walsh, “What better way to end our time in Division I than with a colossal upset? Our teams may appear to get blown out of the water and manhandled in every aspect of the game, but it is all according to plan.”
The Gents didn’t actually begin the season with this coup in mind, but after a 64 point loss to Memphis and repeated futility, the coaching staff decided to put a new spin on the season, emphasizing on just beating Oakland.
“Some may call a goal of one win under ambitious, but we believe it is incredibly ambitious for the Centenary basketball program.”
When asked why they didn’t spring their plan into action when Oakland visited Centenary earlier this season, the coaching staff exchanged confused looks with each other in silence for a full ten minutes before someone piped up that it would mean more as a road win spoiling homecoming. The rest of the coaching staff immediately agreed wholeheartedly on this point, claiming that was according to plan as well.
“Oakland is a very well-disciplined team, but come on. How is anyone supposed to take us seriously? If you have seen a game, or practice, or even a roster photo for that matter, you have to know we don’t resemble a competitive basketball team whatsoever. We are hoping to be overlooked in a big way.”
Overlooking may not be an issue for the undersized Centenary squad. When asked how they expected to pull off their devious plot when not only could Kito Benson beat their entire roster using only one of his limbs, but the HcP staff just shut the Gents out in a pick-up game 58-0, the Centenary coaching staff “declined comment” by ending the interview and going back into the corners of their offices to resume crying about their insignificant lives and drinking their problems away. All according to plan.
Homecoming is here! Two teams with inverse conference records will meet in front of a packed Orena and the Half-court Press staff could not be happier. Hope you enjoy our homecoming issue!
For the record Ledrick Eackles is one of HcP’s favorite players and our picture combo should only make him seem even more bad-ass!